The Trouble with Conversation:
A non-fiction book by Fletcher Kovich
Contents
Introduction—My struggle to understand
The conspiracy of silence in my childhood home
My hatred of my father was an illusion
Loneliness was my father’s chosen method of suicide
If my mother was insane, then perhaps we all are
The monsters we see are the monsters our own mind has invented
A constant parade of peculiar behaviour
My disease was called “isolation”, and it took on a physical form
Working out the riddle of everyday conversation
My family did not seem so strange after all
“Opinions” can not usually be communicated
Communication is our lifeline, but we need to know its flaws
People do not behave well towards one another
An example conversation between Paul and Susan
Susan’s understanding of Paul’s opening comment
Paul’s understanding of Susan’s reply: “But wouldn’t you have that anyway?”
Susan’s understanding of Paul’s reply: “Not if I weren’t a vegetarian, because I would....”
Paul’s understanding of Susan’s reply: “No, ‘if you stay at home’, I mean.”
Susan’s understanding of Paul’s reply: “What!”
Paul’s understanding of Susan’s reply: “If you stay at home, you’ll still have all the fuss.”
Susan’s understanding of Paul’s reply: “Of course I won’t, that’s the whole point!”
Paul’s understanding of Susan’s reply: “Well, who’s going to cook for you!”
Susan’s understanding of Paul’s reply: “I’ll do it myself!”
Paul’s understanding of Susan’s reply: “Don’t take that tone with me.”
Susan’s understanding of Paul’s reply: “That’s crap!”
Making a comment: the full story
The different types of thoughts
Making comments about the physical world
Repeating someone else’s words
Making a comment that states an opinion
What is an opinion?
Opinions cannot be demonstrated
How do we choose the words to express an opinion?
Using a descriptive comment
There are very few standard words for opinions
Some ‘standard’ words for opinions
Constructing a descriptive comment using vague words
What if we can not construct a descriptive comment?
Expressing an opinion by merely stating its conclusion, or the way it makes us feel
Expressing an opinion by using our favourite slang phrase
The extra pressures of a live conversation
Summary of Making a comment: the full story
Understanding comments: the full story
The different types of comments
Comments about the physical world
Comments that state an opinion
Interpreting opinions as though they were comments about the physical world
Interpreting an opinion as an opinion
Forming our own observations
Another important use for our observations
We only have a limited number of these observations
But these observations are versatile
Observations on personality usually involve us seeing negative qualities
Observations on personality are usually untrue
It is purely the motive we are reacting to
Our observations are wrong because they are based on wrong assumptions
Why does this matter?
Why observations on personality are usually negative
Interpreting opinions that are expressed about ourselves
Interpreting facial expressions and tone of voice
The emotional response
How we trick ourselves into hating people
Experience limits what we can understand in other people’s comments
Questioning your own observations
24 maxims for better communication